Hi guys. So, it is the end of the week which means me, and Jamie sit down and review our week with the blog. It is also my time to sit down and look back on the week. What I achieved and accomplished and what I did not. I found it hard finding motivation in depression. Guys I am not going to lie it has been a tough week. At the start of the week I had a doctor’s appointment to check my bloods. I have been feeling very tired, unmotivated but not knowing why.
It was decided would review my psychiatric medication but first; we wanted to get my physical health checked. I got a call from the doctor at the end of the week informing me that again I was anemic. My iron levels were low and I was deficient in vitamin D. The doctor made a joke about living in Ireland and how everyone living in Ireland is lacking vitamin D. We get vitamin d from the sun and to be fair we do not get much sun in Ireland. I got a prescription for the vitamins and then I went to see the psychiatrist.
Thoughts and feelings
He asked me what was going on I told him I was not sure. I was just lacking motivation. That I was tired, and I am feeling lower than usual. I have just gone flat. Like a tire pumped of air at the start, all it takes is one little puncture, in my case one little trigger and slowly but surely the tire is drained of air and all that’s left is a flat piece of rubber. My life is good right now yes, I have my stressors, but there is nothing there that should be causing me to feel like this. That is where hope comes in. You see I know I do not feel like this on a day-to-day basis, I know that this is not me and it is in the acknowledgement that I know I will feel better. Before when I hit a low, I could never see the light, but I have conquered depression repeatedly. I have struggled with depression all my life and I probably will struggle with it for the rest of my life but that’s OK because life is not a smooth ride.
For example, take the yin yang symbol. A concept of dualism. Now we ask what this means?
Well in Chinese philosophy it is a belief that our universe is governed by cosmic duality. It relies on the interplay of the two components in a way that the two opposites balance themselves out. You cannot have darkness without light. Cannot have happiness without sadness. I understand that concept. I do not believe one can know true happiness unless they have felt true pain. For me when I am depressed, And I come out of it I truly appreciate the happiness. I have had to accept that I will feel good, but at times I will always feel bad. It is learning to live in acceptance.
Choosing to take the good with the bad. I see life like a wave it goes up and it goes down. We go through good times and we go through bad times, but this what makes it life. Nobody said life was going to be easy. It is a journey and there was 1 in 400 trillion chances of you being born but you were. You are alive and that is a gift we must learn to appreciate.
Then and now
I may have the bad days, but it makes me truly appreciate the good days. You must keep hope. Hold on to that Hope. Hope is the light. To be able to power through the bad days with realisence knowing that the good days are coming. Feel excited about them, you have no idea what is around the corner. I guarantee you that your best day is yet to come. Do not give up in the darkness. Believe in the light. I refuse to give up. Before now I had never really lived a life that made me feel happy and optimistic about the future. When I was in my depression, I was not able to visualize the happy life because I have never experienced it.
I will give you a snapchat of my mindset and headspace this time last year.
This time last year I was recovering from my suicide attempt with a shattered spine and a prosthetic leg. For me, the future seemed bleak. One of accepting this is the way it is and that is that. I shut the door of my past and everything in it. Believing I would never experience joy again, I would never be able to find someone to love the person I know was. I would never walk again without the aid of a prosthetic leg. Life became nothing but an existence. Lying in bed with Netflix on the TV believing that was the way it was until my body finally gave up. I could not even comprehend ending my life after surviving the hit from the train so I would just have to suffer on until the day came that I did not wake. There was no hope. I stepped in front of a train with the intent of ending my life but instead I survived with a body too disabled to ever attempt suicide again. There was no hope. It was my fault and I would have to suffer because of it.https://kmwblogs.com/learning-how-to-walk-again/
The future is full of possibilities
This last year of my life has been the hardest but it has also been the happiest. We have no idea what the future holds for us because the future has an endless amount of opportunities, callings, and treasured moments. The future has so many holiday destinations ahead, Netflix series, marriages, babies, pets, adventures. See here the post https://kmwblogs.com/2020/08/05/dont-waste-years-hating-on-yourself/
There is Hope Yet.
I believed life could be bed-rest and morphine Never in my wildest dreams seeing just how amazing my life would become.
I have felt excitement waking up alive. Waking up at the crack of dawn to watch the sun rise and appreciate the day ahead. I think of my future and I am optimistic. I have gone to bed at night and saying “Thank you for my life and thank you for a great day”. Believing through it all that the journey was worth it.
This time last year I had given up. To give up means to give up hope. Hope Is one of the most influential factors in my life. It is the spine of my recovery. The secret by Rhonda Byrne is proof that the possibilities in this life are truly endless, you can be anything, you can achieve anything, but you must believe. believe the days will be brighter, believe the universe will deliver and believe in yourself. Yes, you may feel down ,you may feel anxious, you will suffer loss, heartbreak, rejection and all the other crap things we go through in life but that doesn’t mean you won’t feel limitless, successful, empowered. Who knows? You could be the next Beyoncé, the next Elon Musk. Empower yourself by believing in yourself but most importantly do not ever give up hope.
Happy Reading guys.
Lots of love Katie xx